My “control” funeral…
I’ve been trying to anticipate what emotions I would have when I started this “journey” and to be quite honest I thought maybe I would have a lot more excitement or feel like I was on the verge of something big. What I didn’t expect was to be mourning the loss of all my control. I am a woman of faith, so I know the phrase “Let go, Let God.” However, I don’t think people talk enough about what happens when you decide to do that.
When you are sick your whole life, you find the things around you that you can control…you become indepedent where you can and you try to make sense of why its happening to you. My independence has been so important to me, because I knew if I still had that my illness hadn’t gotten the best of me. So I have been “controling” things and hanging on to that last shred of what I can….my career, my home, living alone. You don’t want to ask for help, worried that you will become to much or a burden on those you love the most. So, needless to say this transition I am in at the moment goes against that all.
This last week I have been withdrawn, moody and crying sometimes at the drop of the hat. I woke up early the other morning freaking out, having a panic attack and my parents did what came naturally to them, they thought back to when I was a child and went with an old standard method. Drive her around until she falls asleep again. I woke up an hour and half later on a gravel road somewhere, my parents still driving me around. First, thing I noticed was the views…
Needless to say this plan of attack by my parents was exactly what I needed and my head was in a much better space. Then it hit me, I am greiving. I am mourning the loss of my control, my walls, my independence. My mind is having to really “Let Go, Let God” and my grief is raging a war. So I’ve decided to do this right and I’m holding a funeral for my “Control”. Some of you might say this is a morbid way of looking at it…but instead of pushing back what I’m feeling, I’m allowing myself to grieve and move on. In order to heal I know that I need to change what I have been doing, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t acknowledge or be sad about what I’m giving up. So here it is…my “Control Funeral”…(cue the sad music)
I will miss my apartment and miss living alone. I will miss my program and my career I have built up here. I will miss living next to my two best friends. I will miss my church.
I am angry that I can’t get better right away. I am frustrated I have to rely on others and can’t do this on my own. I’m angry I have to leave my program and not be there to help it grow.
I’m sad that my life isn’t what I thought it would be at 34. I’m sad that I’m leaving this chapter of my life.
So I have put it all out there. I’m lamenting and letting myself feel every one of those things, so I can move past it and foward. I still believe this is what God wants me to do and I know that there are amazing things just around the bend. This week will be a bit of a test, saying goodbye to so much…but I continue to pray for strength and courage to continue down this trail.
Thanks for continued support and listening to my View from the Recovery Trail…
Love you all!