The Reality of Writing the Truth
If you ask me what my idea of heaven is, what I picture what it will be like after I’m gone from this world…it is one long stretch of beach and I’m running. Everything flows right, I can actually feel my heart beating and it is strong. I have air in my lungs, I take deep breaths and it feels glorious. I run, I jump, I play volleyball in the sand (it has always looked so fun)…I just can’t stop moving. That is what I see when I allow myself to think about.
I want to say I haven’t been writing because I have been out living life and I am too busy to sit down to write about it all, but that would be a lie. I haven’t been able to write because I’m angry and every time I sit down to write, I have nothing inspiring to say, I just have anger and frustration for the place I’m in. I’m always thinking “Who wants to read about my anger?” and I know at some point if I complain all the time, people will stop listening. So I have stopped myself from posting all the things I have been feeling lately or the experiences I have had.
Then today I realized that this blog isn’t about some magical journey of someone living with CHD, it’s about the reality of someone fighting CHD. It is alright that I don’t always have a positive spin to every situation. I need to be able to write down everything, even if that means people choose to stop listening. My hope for this blog was always meant to share my journey, to help me deal with the reality of what is happening in my life and in the end inspire others. Somewhere along the way I started to be afraid to share the struggle and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Sometimes it feels like two totally different view points fighting within…
The bright silver lining I wanted so badly to find in every piece of writing…
So I made a promise to myself that I am going to post at least twice a month, post the things that need to be said about CHD, to be said about my journey and not worry about my need to always find the positive. I know the more I write, the more I will start to see those positive things I need to. Maybe I will start to accept the reality of where I am and let that image of heaven inspire me instead of frustrating me.
I love you all and hope you continue to follow along with me in discovering and understanding my view from the recovery trail!